Brace yourselves for more stream-of-consciousness writing, because god dammit that’s the rabbit hole we’re going to continue going down.

I know I keep saying that one of these days I’m going to write a well thought out piece about something technical in order to contribute to society in some meaningful way, but I think that’s going to have to sit on the backburner until I can get over a few humps at work. Mainly, I’ve been on a large project for a long time now and I need it to be over. I need to get this insane volume of work complete before I can sit down and organize something worthwhile for you guys to read.

Words are not violence. I don’t care how hard you cry about words or how much you believe the words hurt you, words are not capable of inflicting physical damage upon a person. To that end, I have to say that I don’t support the war on words.

Dave Chappelle is a great example of society’s “War on Words”.

“They canceled JK Rowling – my God. Effectually she said gender was fact, the trans community got mad as shit, they started calling her a Terf … I’m team Terf,”

I really didn’t have high hopes for Joe Biden when he was elected president. I honestly thought we’d be seeing more of the same neoliberal corporate lobby bullshit that both the Democrats and Republicans have been hawking for the last fifty years. The “trickle down” bullshit. The ass-kissing of the most wealthy Americans. It’s almost pathological how much impoverished Americans kiss the ass of the wealthiest. Few people truly realize that “The American Dream” was a lie sold to impoverished immigrants in order to lure cheap labor to the states. Through a rather rigorous propaganda campaign stretching through decades and generations, this lie has persisted to present day, and it truly is the forebear of MAGA in every way imaginable.

It keeps creeping closer and closer. Minute by minute. Day by day. It’s almost here and I’m insanely excited. I’m building a life with an amazing partner and we’re doing amazing things together. The excitement is really starting to well up and I can’t avoid just popping off anymore. I can’t wait. There are so many awesome things we’re planning and it’s going to be so much fun. I’m gonna network the shit out of the house with smart everything. It’s gonna be awesome.

My anxiety is through the roof these days. I’ve been working on the same massive project for nearly six months now. Maybe it’s been longer, I honestly can’t remember. It has felt like many eternities. As if that weren’t anxiety enough, I’m possibly being poached by our software development team. I love programming and tinkering but I really don’t know what to think.

Not only is all this going on, but we’re closing on a new house in the comings weeks. It’s a damned big place in a decent area and it’s a new construction. I’ve never owned a house before, let alone a new house. It’s wild.

It seems like we’re devolving again. It’s crazy to think that at some point we perceived ourselves to be quite close to becoming a space-faring species, at home amongst the stars. That imaginary society is so far removed from every society that thinks it’s important to regulate people’s genitals and bedroom activities. It’s all just so stupid, and the more you zoom out the dumber it gets. Billionaires are jockeyed into space on giant dicks that they could only afford because they don’t pay living wages or reasonable benefits or even taxes. Southern evangelical Christians feel as though worshipping a rich man is more important than the homeless guy who kicked over merchant and money changer tables at temple. Everything about conservatives is trash these days, but they have no introspective. They have no ability to analyze how garbage they are, and they’re incredibly effective at ignoring facts and information that they don’t like. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if the left didn’t follow suit. Now we have a massive divide between two absolutely inane groups that have zero self-awareness. The world is going to be consumed by this before it collapses. We as a people have wholly lost our way. You can’t discuss this with anyone because they’ve probably aligned themselves with some hyperbolic side already. You have conservatives defending klansmen and liberals championing body mutilation and mental illness as “the new normal”. Both sides are hyperbolic psychopaths but finding people in the center is becoming more and more difficult. We get no reprieve from the cadent spiral into oblivion.

There are times when I can barely believe what my life is like. I have a partner who is my best friend and sexy as hell. I have wonderful kids. I have a career. I have everything I could wish for. I need to take time out to explain how appreciative I am for the privileges I am gifted. I’ve never had a love like this before, and I’ll never have another love like it. It’s important to me because it’s an immense source of my life satisfaction, and it’s only so satisfying because I was already happy before we met. The ability to take happiness and compound it the way my Amber has, I just never imagined getting to experience a true love that’s based on communication and boundaries and a real and working healthy relationship.

Sometimes it feels like people like me more or prefer my company more when I’m not asserting myself. I don’t know if it’s a me problem or if it’s just how interactions go. I’ve always been a pretty laid back person, and I really still am, but I’m trying to not be avoidant to a toxic level. I don’t really have anything outlined ahead of time to get off my chest, so the best I can do for the moment is some “stream-of-consciousness” style rambling. I’m just working with what I have.