I have a lot to be grateful for this season. I have wonderful kids. I have a wonderful family. I also have the best partner in the world. It is amazing to me that I’ve gone so long without knowing what partnership really is. I just “rolled with the punches” through a number of pretty abusive situations and just thought that I was really awful enough to deserve those situations. My wife is my rock. She will be honest with me on how things look from her perspective and I can count on her perspective to help me be better. I’m so accustomed to petty low blows and ridiculous gaslighting that it really did take me a while to settle into what my wife and I share. I’m still learning, to be honest. She is as well. But we’re growing together, we’re learning together, and we’re building and maintaining a strong partnership that will see us both through the best of times as well as the worst of times. So long as we have each other, the worst of times will never be worse than before we met. She is precious to my heart in ways that I had no idea a person could be. She’s my best friend, my lover, my world. She brings a light to my life that I’ve never had before. I love you, Amber.

Man, I installed Python and Jupyter Notebook and I have to say, it’s cool as shit. I’ve been just banging out stupid little “nothing” snippets of code and playing around to just do simple calculations. It’s very cool stuff. I love the fact that it’s near-native speed and wildly easy to program. It feels very gratifying to learn something that I can just apply casually to make getting stuff done easier. I need to keep pushing at it and figure shit out.

I want to write about positive things in my life. I want to write about exciting things only days away. I want to write about all the good things, but honestly I’ve used writing as a coping mechanism for so long that I don’t think it’s possible for me to write down anything other than what’s currently troubling me at any given moment. It sucks, but it could be worse. At least I have a coping mechanism.

Man, kids say the darnedest things. Like, you can’t stop a kid from talking endlessly about virtually anything they encounter on a daily basis. I guess it’s not really anything to give a second thought to, but I guess it would give someone pause if they’re not doing what they’re supposed to be doing.

I really need these four days off. Not gonna lie. Things feel like they’re ramping up really quickly and I haven’t even started the new role yet. Though I do admit that it’s really nice to leave behind some of what had grown to become a “staple” in life. Some of the work and these companies I’ve primarily supported have become fixtures in my life, and it’s really time to move on. Not just me, but for all of us collectively.

I can’t wait for the four day weekend. I really need some time to de-stress and just relax a bit. Things have been pretty crazy lately. My wife and I, we’ve been pretty busy. It seems like we’re going to have to give ourselves a time out here shortly. I think the four day weekend will be a decent time out for me.

Man, I really have fallen off on writing. I go through periods where I can find neither the motivation nor the inspiration to write. It always seems like such an insurmountable wall whenever that happens. I can never quite break through. I just typically have to wait it out.

The borderline ex is being an asshole again. She’s been manipulating our son and trying to get him to “keep secrets” because she knows she’s a half-ass mother. She’s also getting called out on it and now being an asshole publicly about my wife. This from someone whose gut is so large she can’t keep her navel clean enough to stop it from weeping with infection. This from someone who had her tongue split. This from someone who has fucking face tattoos, for Christ sakes. Jesus Christ. Why are borderlines like this?

I don’t like when projects land in my lap that go through a full gamut of emotions in the span of one or two days. From elation to terror to absolute despair, then full circle once more for good measure, in forty-eight hours- This is less than optimal. It’s also incredibly telling that these people who are trying to tell me how difficult or easy my job of contributing will be have no real clue about what I’m bringing to the table. I can’t tell if they’re over or underestimating me at this point, but I’ve raised some serious doubts, only to have other members from other teams and other companies that are a party to the nonsense raise similar concerns. Now they’re suddenly quite reflexive in anticipating all of these things I’ve already broached on the outset.

No one gets unlimited license to hurt your feelings and then tell you that you’re wrong for having them. Especially not when it’s blatantly obvious and is directly observed by many close people. I reserve the right to remove myself from those situations. No one should ever feel as though they have to continually subject themselves to that gaslighting bullshit. No one should ever have to constantly feel like they’re walking on eggshells, just waiting for the other shoe to drop yet again because you’re as predictable as a fucking clock. That’s not okay. So I’m not wasting my time any longer. I’m removing myself from the equation, because I cannot and should not be expected to continue to take it. I deserve better, but I sure as shit don’t get better, because I’m stuck with the least you’re willing to do- which is essentially nothing. I’ve tried to change myself and my life for the better, making better decisions and owning my mistakes in life. The first step to not repeating mistakes forever is to acknowledge that you make them. I guess that’s why we end up here every goddamn time.